Dear Lord...

Lord, I am so tired of being lied to. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Is it my fault this is happening? Do I deserve to never find true happiness? Am I destined to always fall down after having my hopes up. Do I expect too much? Is life supposed to suck or is it supposed to be easier? Lord, why does this keep happening? Why does my heart hurt? Why am I so angry? How can I be heartbroken and angry at the same time. How come I feel so cold and dead inside and I want to lash out and take out anyone who makes me feel like this? How do I make the anger subside? How do I get over the pain? Will I ever be able to move on? Lord, should I move on? Should I leave? What should I do? I do not know where to turn? I want to run away and start over, but I just don’t know what to do. I have to think of the kids and their lives too. I am not my own anymore. I am in charge of two delicate girls who need me. I am falling apart inside. I am withering away. I feel like pieces of me are being hacked away until all that’s left is this pain and a huge hole in my heart. Lord, please take the pain away. Make it go away. Show me what I need to do. Help me to be the better person. Show us where to go next. Help me to move on from this drama. Lord, please fix our marriage. Make it great again. Make it feel safe again. Make me believe it will be okay, that it will not happen again that I can trust again, that its okay to let down my wall to let myself be loved and believe it’s true. I feel like such an idiot for thinking things would ever be different. Why did I even get my hopes up? I wish I could accept things as they are. Take each day as a new adventure waiting to see what lies in the darkness, waiting to see what new deceit will rear its head and try to destroy my family – what I have tried so hard to keep together. Each day is like a battle with my mind to continue on and do what I feel is right. It is such a struggle and war between good and evil. I am starting to wonder if I can make it through. I just want to give up to walk away, but I know that this would not make the pain any easier, but only more intense because without him, I would be lost. I know he is such a huge part of me – maybe this is why it hurts so deeply because of our soul connection. I really do not know why its effects me the way it does and I wish I could just stop loving so much stop hurting so much stop caring so much and just live. Live in the moment not worrying about anyone but myself. But I know this is not right and not how you want me to live. I just do not know what to do Lord. Please guide me…take away the anger and let me be happy. I want unspeakable joy. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be a good mom and wife, to be joyful and able to contribute to the world. Lord, show me how to start a life of my own. I do not want a divorce, but I do want to feel like my world will not fall apart each time my trust for my husband is shattered. I have to stop putting my faith in him and rely on you Lord for my safety, security and love. I know you will never leave me nor forsake me. I can always trust you, your word and your love for me. Help me to focus on this instead of the faults of others because I too have faults, many of them. Help me to see the good, to focus on the positive. Take away the bad and replace it with peaceful memories. Give me hope Lord, for a brighter future. Take away the negative predictions and expectations. Help me to be realistic and accept him for who he is. Help me to let go of what I want him to be and accept him for who he is because he loves me for who I am - he loves all my flaws, my imperfections, he accepts me for me. I want to do the same. Help me to stop trying to control things and just let him live how he wants. It is not up to me to decide how he lives, but to decide if I want to live with him. I do want to be with him. I just want to love fully and without holding back, without fear of pain and rejection, but I do not know how to let go. Show me how to forgive. Show my heart how to let go.


In Jesus Name, AMEN

Switched from Wellbutrin SR to Wellbutrin XL; Depression and lack of interest

About 2 weeks ago, my Doctor switched me from generic Wellbutrin (Bupropion SR) to the generic Wellbutrin XL (made by Barr) and I am now starting to wonder if this switch has brought back my depression. I am not suicidal, but my desire to do normal everyday things is totally gone. I have no motivation. I feel like I have become a tired, constipated, awful parent and wife. Things have gotten worse over the last few days, since I am getting closer to that time of the month. I kept thinking thats what was going on - I was just being moody because of my period. But, it is starting to make me really wonder "what is causing these feelings of despair? What am I doing differently?" Then it dawned on me, maybe it is the Wellbutrin XL. I know it takes a few weeks to get a medication to work, so it would make sense that it would take a few weeks for the SR to stop working. I really feel like my depression symptoms have increased tenfold. I am at the point where I do not want to deal with anyone. I want to sulk in my room and be alone. I am letting every little thing my kids do effect me emotionally. I have not been crying much, but I take everything so personally. At this point I could honestly say if my kids were to go live with my mom, I would be okay with that. I know this has to be my depression, because its just not me. I dont have the drive to even talk. I feel like my husband is busy all the time now, but I wonder if I am just being paranoid. He is taking a college class and training for a marathon, and I just feel so alone. I have no idea why, but I do. I guess maybe because I do not have family close by and any friends I have are busy or they all want to just go get drunk all the time and thats not what I want to do. I just honestly feel like no one cares, like no one would miss me if I ran away. I do not even know how to tell my husband the depth of these feelings. I try, but it just never comes out right. I get so tired of complaining and being negative. When am I finally going to not have to worry about these things anymore? Should I stop the medication all together? My Doctor is a joke. He does not know what he is doing and getting a new doc is just too much work. I feel so sorry for my kids because I just really do not want to have anything to do with them. Luckily they are old enough to pretty much fend for themselves and I do interact with them, but I am just so withdrawn. I am not happy; I am miserable. I long for happy days again; to enjoy and look forward to things. I truly feel like there is no point to anything right now. I don't know how to snap out of it. I believe in God and Jesus is my savior and I know I will survive this, but when will it get better? When does life become worth living? How do I find my way to normalcy? What is normal? Heaven is my only hope for now. I know one day all the pain and sorrow will be gone and I will find the happiness I long for, but for now I guess I must endure these sorrow filled days on earth.

ADHD parent of an ADHD child

I just came across a book on the narcissistic parent and the damage it does to our daughters. This brought tears to my eyes because I see so many of these self serving personality traits in myself. I do not feel I am great or have accomplished anything, so I guess I am not really narcissistic. I then compared the two, narcissism and ADHD and they have similarities. I just worry that I am so self-absorbed and unable to handle much sensory stimulation, that I am going to ruin my children. I really do try to be a good mom, but I honestly cannot seem to handle incessant chatter, being around lots of people for very long, and too much stress. It feels as if I am on overload and going to go insane if I do not get to a quiet place - which in my home it seems impossible. What kind of mother wants her kids to be quiet? The guilt of this drives me even more crazy because I wonder why I am the way I am. I try to accept it, and work to be better, but its still there. I cannot handle what most normal people can handle. I could not imagine trying to juggle kids in sports, or other activities, because honestly, I am barely able to survive the days just getting the kids to school, getting through homework and getting them to bed. That alone is enough to suck the very life from me. It is mostly because of my oldest daughter, who has ADHD and has it bad! I love her dearly and she is such a sweetheart, but she talks like a million miles a minute about nothing in particular, and if you try to have a conversation with her its like you are talking to yourself because she just changes the subject consistently. And she is very argumentative, so if you tell her to do something or try to help her, she will argue or make excuses. She is 12 years old now and she still cries almost every day about something ridiculous.  I have even wondered what life would be life if I had never had her, or if I were to send her to live with her biological father. I know how awful that sounds, but I am just plum worn out. Between my issues and hers, I am just at a loss for how to deal with things. I feel as if I am doing more wrong than right - causing more damage to her than building her up. The resentment and anger towards her is so strong that I cringe when she hugs me. I do not show her of coarse and I honestly try to be loving, but its so hard for me. I do not understand why either. I do not feel the same way when I hug my younger daughter. I know she is my favorite, but its only because she does not fight with me and cry about everything. What would make a mother feel so unattached to her own child? How do I break the cycle of negativity and really build her up?

Marriage, Holidays, Kids and Stress

Somehow Thanksgiving has come and gone, but not without its normal snares and scars of my normal holiday family feuds. I can not remember the last holiday when my husband and I did not argue about the stupidest things. What is it about the holidays that causes the ones you love to seem like a bulls eye target for agression, hatred and arguments? My problem is I truely want peace in my home and it seems like an unatainable goal - something we will never even get close to achieving.
     My daughter, who is twelve and has ADHD and a mood disorder, still has breakdowns almost daily and everything is an argument with her; consequently, just trying not to strangle her or myself is a daily task. So, when there is an added stressor (i.e. making Thanksgiving dinner, buying presents) I seem to just go over the edge, as do my hormones which go even more haywire.
    I need to have a pity party right now because my husband and I have been just weird lately. I cannot figure out what the deal is; although, I am guessing its probobly my imagination and things are fine, but things just really feel different. I feel really lonely and I am having a hard time talking to him about anything without him biting my head off. Dont get me wrong, I am not a Saint because I am sure, well I know I do it, that I do the same to him. I have been trying to be more calm and speak in a lower tone when talking to him about stuff, but he just keeps snapping back and my response is "I take it back, nevermind," or "I should not have said anything, Sorry." So now the resentment for feeling like I cannot even communicate or voice my own opinion is driving me to the point of misery. I cannot talk to him, because he will not know what I am talking about and I am the worst at explaining things, so its like an endless cycle. I just do not understand how we are the perfect couple when the kids are away at grandma's during the summer for a few weeks. We are great together. Sure I still have my poor pitiful hormonal me episodes, but its nothing like the misery of our marriage with the kids around. I feel so bad even voicing my true feelings, but I know I am not alone in the world, there has to be someone going through the same thing. I am just so sad inside. I want to just run away and never look back. Maybe then I would be missed, respected, listened to? I want to be young again and enjoy my college years that were taken from me when I had my oldest daughter. I know in my heart I could never turn my back on my kids, but sometimes I truly feel they would be better off with someone else. With different parents who take them camping, fishing, hiking, who play with them, who truly enjoy having them in their lives. What is so odd is if something were to happen to them, it would devastate me. I love them so much, but I just cannot handle any extra stress, so we just live in our little bubble and try to minimize the trips out together whenever we can because when we do try to do things together, my oldest child ends up being awful. She has always been that way since she was a small toddler. We could not go out for dinner without her screaming and crying about who knows what. It was always a struggle and continues to be. What makes it worse is other parents not even having a clue what its like to have a special needs child because she appears somewhat normal on the outside. They look at me like I do not discipline her, or I spoil her, but the opposite is true, we have had to be very strict and consistent since she was very young.
      Hopefully tomorrow will be better and maybe I will look up a marriage counselor. I am so afraid if things continue down this road we will not make it to our 10th anniversary next year. I do not want to be alone, but I also do not want what was the best relationship ever to turn into what I never wanted to be - a lovingless, empty sham of a marriage....

Day 9 HRT Going well...too well

Things have been going really well the last few days. I have had a day or so of being tired in the evening, but overall, my energy level seems to be back to normal - not slugish and not turbo charged either. I am thinking more clearly too. I am supposed to start in 3 days and yesterday I did have a small emotional break down, but it was nothing even close to my normal monthly routine. I am crossing my fingers, saying lots of prayers for a smooth transition this cycle. Sometimes when I feel this great, bad times follow, so I am so worried, but I know I should keep pushing ahead, have faith that things will coninue to go well and know there will always be ups and downs - hopefully more ups than downs. I shall keep you updated as things progress.

Enjoy the weekend!

Spoke too soon

I think I jumped the gun a bit on what I said earlier. I was so hopeful the hormones were going to give me the energy to get through the day, but I am plum worn out and it is not even 3:30 yet. My legs are achy and I am in serious need of a nap. I am sure it is just the amount of mental drainage I have been doing today as well as the physical stuff too. I sure hope tomorrow is better because we have a birthday party to go to, then we have to get the kids ready to go trick or treating. Oh joy! I know how sad, I should be happy about going, but its cold outside and its supposed to rain, so no I am not happy about taking the kids for a walk, so they can complain about how cold they are.

Day 2 of Hormone Replacment Therapy

Started my hormone replacement therapy yesterday and after my second dose today it seems to be working already. I am feeling more energized and positive. It could be in my mind, but I am pretty sure its the hormones. Or maybe its the stress of Halloween and the fact that I have procrastinated yet again and have a million things to do today so I am in super turbo mode. It sometimes feels like I can only accomplish things under pressure...anyone else feel like that sometimes? Okay back to the topic...HRT...I was prescribed testosterone and progesterone and I think I am way to young to have whacked out hormones, but my hormone panel showed that my progesterone levels go down to a measly 2 during my cycle and my testosterone level was at 20, which is pretty low for a 32 year old. If I were 50 it would be normal. This low testosterone may explain the lack of libido I have been having for years. My poor husband. Its like clockwork. I get interested about mid cycle and then my libido goes bye bye. My focus seems to be more clear, but I am somewhat jittery. I feel like I am going a million miles a minute and keep getting stuck not knowing which task I should accomplish next.

Until next time...